One month ago we learned that our eighth child was not going to be joining us earth side. That necklace in the photo? The Lord opened my eyes to it the previous night while visiting Motherhood for the first time. We were not that far along in the pregnancy, but that does not discount the fact that we had thought of names, had planned out so much, and most importantly, that this little one has a soul. There had been so many positive pregnancy tests. We thought it would be fun to not tell anybody, but that didn’t last long. My heart was shattered and the tears poured forth.
I feel like miscarriage is not spoken about as much as it should be. This was our first loss. We had no idea what was going on or what to expect. Thankfully, I am friends with many midwives and with those who have had many miscarriages. A sweet friend of mine has had 20 and was able to advise me on so much. A midwife friend of mine was going through a season of loss with all of her clients and spoke life to my soul while she was helping a client through 2 losses.
It’s real you guys. It’s heavy and it’s painful. It’s painful from the aspect of losing your child and it’s painful in when others say the wrong thing to you. Having been the person who has said the wrong thing I have nothing but grace and forgiveness. With that being said, I think this is a great opportunity to speak about how to walk through a season like this and how to walk with somebody else through their season. And just so you know, I truly believe every person walks their own path and what I say may not be what somebody else would say. We are all unique beautiful creatures and what may comfort one person may scar another. I walk this line carefully. Lots of grace, please.
- Listen and let them talk
Some things I greatly appreciated was when friends and relatives would allow me the time to talk my heart out. They allowed me to weep over the phone. Some would give advice and some would not. Both were ok. The advice mainly came from those who had been through a miscarriage or helped others through them. It filled my heart to know we are on the hearts of others. Just listening and giving their little one worth shows Christ exponentially.
- Don’t ask them how far along they were
This was probably the most painful. I wanted to answer, “does it matter?” Having been in the pro-life ministry for 6 years I know that it is the soul that matters and not their size or age. Allow them to offer up that information if they want to.
- Send them flowers or a card
This was an unexpected blessing! To receive flowers on my doorstep brought beauty into the ashes. It was so beautiful to walk past strongly scented lilies in the kitchen when everything in me felt empty. This was a vision of hope and thoughtfulness.
- Give them space
When losing a child you didn’t even get to meet you may go into this thought life of wondering what is truly important. Am I spending my time the best way I can? Am I giving my living children the best of me? What can I change to be better? Am I being a good example to my friends? How can I best serve others through this struggle?
And don’t forget that when somebody is miscarrying, they are constantly reminded of their loss every single time they go to the bathroom until the bleeding finally ceases. There is even a scent that is unmistakable. It’s heartbreaking and you need to be ok with them not answering your calls or returning your texts. There is so much going on spiritually and emotionally.
- Pray for them
I can’t say this enough. It is because of the sweet loving prayers of so many that we were able to find healing.
- To the one who has had the miscarriage, give your child a name.
This was very good for us to do. This helps you to acknowledge that though you will not be holding and cuddling your little one in your arms they still have a soul and you’re still the one that the Lord put as their mom.
My family chose the name Shalom for our little one. My 16 year old daughter and her friend found this beautiful sculpture. Later, my husband bought it as a Valentine’s Day gift. Far better than chocolates.
I hope this helps you if you ever go through a miscarriage or if somebody close to you does. Show Christ, show compassion, show them unexpected sacrificial love. My prayers for all of you!